I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
