did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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