Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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