mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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