ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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