I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Randomize
