I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
