I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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