My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize