If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
