Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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