You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
