I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
