I'm so fucking centered right now
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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