I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
