why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
