If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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