Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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