The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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