You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I faked an abortion last night.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
