She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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