your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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