i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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