I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
