i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
