they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
