my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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