this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
