Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
