Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just found a bag of teeth...
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Dear god my vagina.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
