the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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