I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
