We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
