I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
