please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
and she was petting her beer can
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
