I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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