We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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