i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
