He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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