News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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