Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
