Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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