guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
