i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
