My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
