Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
