How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
COCAINE IS GR8
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
