Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
