hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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