i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
