So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize