I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
