it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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