we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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