I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
