we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
