Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
