Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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