I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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