I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
