dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
