bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize