Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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