I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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