No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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