isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
